I'll Be Gone

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I live with a constant fear

Life on the land is so unclear

I ride on a boat of extremist

Cruising through the sea mist

The waves make me rise and fall

Breaking the angst wall

One puff puts me in trance

I revel in it and dance

Ecstasy flowing in my veins

Flight from all the pains and chains

Blood churns as blazing fire

Yearning this desire

One puff and away from the shore

No more prisoner of crazy mind war

I am the lonely soul

Inside the smothering mind control

Trapped inside this depressed body

Secrets seen by nobody

Tide takes me away from this world

Like a baby I curled

Storm can’t deter me

Happy ending I foresee

The island where my soul set free

I write the final song

My memoir after am long gone

I hear the distant music

I savor the seismic

One puff and I am in ashes

End of distressed clashes

For once and for all

I let go,

to be just ‘Me’ and to be Free

Suicide is considered as a crime but Sexual abuse in childhood or anytime is the darkest and hardest spot to wash off. 

Chester Bennington poured his suppressed memories out which is also reflected in his songs. One of my favorite song by him: Castle of Glass

Day 10 – Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

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Dear J,

First of all, my apologies to you. I am really sorry I didn't give a positive reply to your message which was only for my concern. I am sorry how badly it ended. I won't say our friendship is no more because you still are my friend.

It was not my ego of not replying back to you but I was and still am afraid to disclose how vulnerable I am with that 'specific' topic. I just couldn't type anything or say a thank you for the concern. I couldn't say that I was depressed and the thoughts of escaping and death had made themselves guest inside my head which were so so difficult to get rid of.

We are all bond with multiple relationships and not a single entity. But most of the time we give up everything for 'them' and swallowing our own thoughts and freedom. I gave in and still giving in. I couldn't gather any courage to go against the so-called norms.

The thread of that one relation is spiraled haphazardly which cannot be set free. To set it free it has to be cut. I have no courage to cut it. I am taking one day at a time.

Kindly read this because you were the main reason I found my art in writing. I want to talk with you. Whenever we met we turned into Gossip girls.

I recall all the memories of college, common room, OPDs. And the most memorable was the graduation day as if we were the only one to be graduating. We had absolute fun.

I gave in for 'others' and I gave up on 'someone'. I am trying to reach out to you via this letter that I miss you. I really hope you are doing very well in your life.

Yours,
A friend and always will be.

Self-musing

I am a person with words. Words which have strength. This is the reason it is said, choose your words right. They have the  power to make or break you. Words give me power. Power which I shouldn't misuse. Words are my friends, they are my best companion.

I believe in my self. Trust no one. But look out for those true to you. They are few. Very few. Do not drown in self-doubt. It will be the worse kind of death. Do not self-pity. You are blessed in my ways. Count your blessings.

People will tell you are not worth enough. They will hit you with hurtful words. Those words can kill you. You have to choose whether to let those words pierce your confidence or shield with inner belief.

They say Life is short. But they also say It is never too late. Which to believe? I say be opportunistic. Grab hold of them. They aren't always crystal clear brought on a well garnished platter. They are good in disguise. Do you have the sight to catch them?

Never ever say I can't do it. At least give it a try. This isn't applicable if you are vegetarian and forced to eat meat or the other way round.

It is not easy for you to make someone laugh or smile. Again I will say choose your words right. Sprinkle words of humor in your talk to bring a smile. Because anyone and everyone look beautiful with a smile.

Day 9: Letter to Someone You Want to Meet

Dear Karenjit Kaur/Sunny Leone,

You are a woman with beauty. You are a woman with confidence. GOD! Your aura with subtle hint of strength is commendable.

I am not your stalker. I do not follow you on Instagram or Twitter, facebook or in the fan following group. I even haven’t seen any of your movies except for the songs where you are the brightest star.

It all comes down to the question why do I want to meet you? I love you for the person you are! I saw the bio in your Twitter account which says, 'Only GOD will Judge! life is short lets make the most of it! Bang on!

You have a radiant personality which is not so easy to ignore. I respect your unwavering humility. I adore the evermore beaming smile.

I remember the news about the tweet mentioning your wish to work with SRK and did the wish come true! And then I saw you in the avatar of modern Laila soon.

I do not miss a write-up about you and this morning I read about the announcement of adopting a baby girl. Your words still resonating in my head, “I truly believe that Nisha chose us, we didn’t choose Nisha.” It is a symbol of benevolence.

Whenever I listen to the song by Alicia Keys – Girl on fire, it reminds me of you.

‘She's living in a world and it's on fire

Feeling the catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away’

From,

A woman want to meet you.

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Day 8: Letter to My Favorite Internet Friend

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Dear internet friend,

I haven’t forgotten you. It has been over 5 years, we haven’t spoken, chatted or mailed. I do miss talking with you. Facebook is oblivion to me but today I logged in just to check your profile for knowing that you’re okay.

You have been disconnected from this web world, the world wherein I met you. There were many horrid circumstances in the past but now they are not intricate. It is true when they say all will be okay. I did not judge you at that time and never will.

I have been very restless since the day I came across one of your tweets. I had immediately sent you mail asking about you. You haven't replied back but I know you read it because you either made the account private or blocked me.

Usually I can go on and on when it comes to writing but I am in complete loss for words. I just want to say and truly wish you read this letter. I hope you find my post in reading list if you still log into your blog which is private now. Hope we meet soon SCP.

Yours,

A friend waiting to hear from you.

Day 7: Letter to My Ex-Crush

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Dear ex-crush,

I miss you. Sometimes! I miss you so much that I fall in the well of regret and the never ending ‘what ifs?’ I should have confessed my likings for you rather than hiding like a young naive girl hoping you would be her prince charming. But the ‘so-called’ culture pulled me back each time I tried to reach out. Well, I miss you at this very moment and the guilt pinches me hard. My life is good, but still there is an empty hollowness somewhere. I need to put the mud of oblivion in the empty space unlike the girls in Pretty Little Liars who had dumped many bodies but each time they get caught. I want to escape.

I won’t tag our relationship as ‘Just friends’. I felt you too had a crush on me but neither of us made the first move and our time together ended with saying, ‘I am happy for you. Stay happy.’ You were the only guy to write in my scrapbook. I do not have the courage to tear those two pages you had written. Destroying would mean I was destroying the happiness those pages bring. I might never harm them.

I will never be over with you. Because:

You were and never will be my weakness.

You do not make me vulnerable.

You gave me strength to believe in myself.

You made me discover my potential.

You believed in me.

And this is why I miss you.

Yours,

Who met you at crossroads

Let me also celebrate this 100th post. Happy. Content. Carry On.

Day 6: Letter to a Stranger

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Dear stranger,

I don’t “know” you but I see you every day. You are the one I see in bus, in auto, in train, the one who sits beside me during the travel, the one who walks beside me in the crowd or the one reading this. See, I don’t “know” you but still we meet every day. You are been observed by many don’t think you are been ignored. I look at you and try to guess what’s going on inside the head. Don’t worry I never judge you. 30 years on this earth have taught me, ‘Never judge anyone unless you walk in their shoes.”

You looked sad that day, wonder what made to upset? Other day you were smiling to self and I was happy for you. I notice the struggles you encounter and I might never help you but you will get through them. At the end, everything will be ok.

You seek love. There is nothing wrong in it but the society has twisted the term ‘love’.  I will not write about the contorted version of love but learn to hold back when the love becomes lust.

Time and again, we understood that love is ‘loving others’ and many have lost their mind in the search of it. You don’t fall for it. Get up in the morning; look in the mirror, smile and say “I love you.” Say it every single day. Do not wait for someone else say the three words to you. Self-love will help you grow. You will learn to accept the weakness and work on it. Make mistakes. Learn from them. You always struggle to make time for others. Sometimes take out time for self care.

People will tell you’re worthless. Do not listen to them. You are worthy, you have the strength to reach the goals, you can gain anything, just set the mind on it. Practice mindfulness. No one will come to your rescue except your own inner self. Be aware of your own strengths and weaknesses. Never wait to fall on the rock. Pick yourself up.

I might sound preachy but there are many great people who have done it. It was never easy for them. They failed many times and each time they rose with great inner strength. You can too. Three words and I will end this letter.

Believe in yourself!

Yours,

A stranger you come across every day.

Day 5: Letter to My Dreams

I am starting again what I left back in the year 2014 30 Day Letter Challenge (Yes, height of procrastination). I will be at peace once I complete it and am all about challenges these days. Let's start.

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Dear Dreams,

You write on my blank slate of sleep most of the times. Since many years you come in different form but the theme is same. It is as if the movie is repetitive only with different characters.  I stand helpless, defenseless every time. I feel raw and bare, covering myself but no one can see through me, no one can see my vulnerability. I walk in fear, absolute dreaded with each move. I am with strangers. I don’t blame you. Over the period I realized and analysed, you are my own subconscious state which I hide when I am awake. I stay silent with the fear people won’t understand me losing opportunities. I hide my emotions with the fear of breaking down. I put a veil of being happy sometimes when I am not. The rope is knotted tight around my waist and I am standing on the edge of the bridge. The whooshing sound of air thuds my ears. The furious waves down below roar and my heart beat aloud against the chest. I feel as if I have never been alive till now after the thudding heart beats. I am standing still breathing heavily.  There is no one with me only the tight rope of fear. I struggle and want to be free from it but I don’t know how to swim. The rope is actually aiding me to be alive. But you know what? The rope is only around my waist leaving the other end free. No one is holding it, it isn't tied to anything.It isn’t helping me rather poisoning me with my own fear. The waves are my dreams, my goals. One step and I will be near them. The only thing is to overcome my fear and jump.

Yours’ truly and deeply,

The one who will seize you soon. 

Mumbai Rains and Music

Pen touched the paper, struck the first chord

Ink flowed, the rhythm paced

Lyrics came alive, Music freed the soul

From its own darkness, from its own self-doubt

I love rains of Mumbai as long as it doesn’t stop the life. What better than the company of music to enjoy rains! I am sharing my rainy day playlist playing on loop.

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         Shape of You by Ed Sheeran

There is no surprise this song is on top of my list. It is trending everywhere. I love the tempo, the beats and how the song makes me tap every time I listen to it.

Hold On by Chord Overstreet

I discovered the song while watching an episode of The Vampire diaries featuring Stefan and Caroline.

Despacito by Daddy Yankee, Luis Fonsi

Ok, it is in Spanish but you don’t need to know the lyrics by-heart for the waltz. Translate the lyrics in English, understand it and simply savor!

Hurt by The Lady Antebellum

I drool on their songs and this song is so perfect. Listen it, If you're reckless with your love just to take it back You could hurt somebody like that

Till the World Stops Turning by Kaleb Jones

Another song from The Vampire Diaries during wedding reception of Stefan and Caroline slow dancing; Damon comforts Bonnie; Bonnie dances with the soul of Enzo. I will love you till the world stops turning and ever after when it comes...

That's it from me. Do share any of yours. The link will take you to the lyrics.

Don't Love Me 2.1

He took away the muse. She couldn’t write a single line of her true emotions. She struggled to hold the pen. The blank page haunted her day and night. It was turning her crazy. Her thoughts were scattered inside her head but she couldn’t spill those on a piece of paper. The paper mocked at her each time she looked at it. Her insides bled like the ink spilled from the pot she splashed on the paper. She was struggling to find the right words. She crumpled the paper and kept it alive. The fight with own emotions did not end here. She was on the verge of insanity.

She put on the headphones and blasted on the music that brought back ecstasy in her. Music filled her emptiness, her hollowness. She got a reason to mend her broken heart. Music fixed it. Music became her drug. The addiction brought back her life to her. It destroyed the parasitic thoughts. Yes she was high but this was the only way to keep her sane.

The hypnotic music made the words to spill out releasing the vacuum of emotions. This time the emotions did not come out of her eyes but on the crumpled paper where she wrote:

Your love,

Ain’t the cure for the broken heart.

Your love,

A  poison, kills a part every day.

Don’t love me,

I ain’t thirsty for it.

Don’t love me,

I ain’t a slave of it. Anymore.

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Previous posts:

Don't Love Me 2.0

Don't Love Me 1.2

Don't Love Me 1.1

Don't Love Me 1

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A Letter to You

Dear reader,

I need a friend, a confidante. There’s a lot going on in my life and more over inside my head. I tried to write them on a paper, but the paper can’t listen. I need a listener. Can I ask you something? What have you done or what you do during overwhelming emotions? I plug in the headphones and put on some peppy and loud music, that’s bad for the ears (I know), take deep breathes, strong deep breathing and release all the wicked emotions out of the cage of my mind. Have you done this before? Try it, it is better than those depressing, wishing for death thoughts.

Man is a social animal. Irony, isn’t it? Why do I say so? Because this social animal lets the wickedness of the society (I mean the bad ones) to affect him so much so that he starts hiding from the society. He wishes to be alone yet he wants ‘someone’ to listen to him. You must have been several times in a mall. Have you ever tried to ‘observe’ the crowd passing around you? If you are reading this while in a mall, I suggest just sit alone on a bench or stand in a corner and actually observe the fellow Homo sapiens around you. By observing I do not mean their branded clothes and makeup. Observe their emotions! Yes, you might be amazed by the varying emotions flooding around you. Not everyone is happy because they are in a mall. Did you notice the nervous one? Oh yes there are many. Notice the hopeful ones? Their face says it all. Did you observe the angry, fighting couple and the old ones, some fearful, some happy and oh the flirty ones? There must be many babies around. They are the best ones to learn from as they do not hide their real self. Do not stare at one person for long time, you might get in trouble. The amazing part of this is observing random people with a fast pace and not staring only one.

Why am I saying this? Because you are not alone who is suffering. I shouldn’t say the word ‘suffering’ but that’s how we feel when loneliness hugs us. Waking up every morning and facing this world with our suffering is a big task and let me tell you, if you are doing this, it is appreciable. Giving up is never a solution. Thank your creator, if you do not believe in ‘God’, thank your own life giving you the opportunities. Be grateful for this life. You are blessed if you are reading this because you are reading on a laptop or smart phone with an internet connection and guess what? Not every single one on this planet has it. There might be seven life’s for us, but who knows? What we are aware of is, this very life.

Many of us are unsatisfied even after working for nine or twelve hours of a job. How many times have you said, I need some change? And how many times have you actually tried to pursue that change? We are scared, scared to step out of our comfort zone, so am I. The 9 to 5 job is stressful, still I do not quit. Why, because it is my comfort zone. I fear failure. I fear that no one would be with me if I step out of it. What would happen if I actually do it? Trying is the toughest part rather than thinking of being abandoned during failure. I am a big sucker for quotes and the quote which screams, ‘It is better to fail than the regrets.’ It is so true.  Let me try and I shall keep you informed. Thank You for listening to me, dear reader. 

From,

A writer inside You.