You Are Not My 'Need'

You are not my need.
I want you but I can't have you.
I can never justify the 'want'
Because
You are the one I can never have.
Did you get it? Or have I confused you?

Before We Go - The Movie, Love, Life and Me

Have you ever hesitated to confess your love to someone?

Have you ever had your heart broken?

Have you ever been in a toxic relationship?

Have you ever been in love which seems to last forever?

Yes or No, the essence of these questions is love. Love is beautiful. I won’t call love a ‘thing’ because things break, things get destroyed. Does love too? I have seen people in love destroy each other, hurt each other to the point of breaking. What kind of love is it which always hurts, regrets and says sorry?

This question is in reciprocation after watching the movie – Before We Go. I like watching movies as I have mentioned many a times on my blog. Though I am not a big fan of any specific actors, I like movies because they have the power to showcase the fiction with touch of non-fiction.

I would love a movie even if not a big hit because it made me think and ponder over the impact it had on me.

Before We Go turned out to be one. The story revolves around two strangers who meet one night and how they learn about their life and help clearing up the faded faith. It goes without saying they learn to know about ‘love’ with new perspective.

There is no perfect. There will always be struggle. You just need to choose who you wanna struggle with.

True isn’t it? How many times have you questioned about the decision you have made to be with the people in life? I am not talking solely about relationship of love but this is true for other relations too.

Brooke Dalton: It's possible, isn't it? It's possible that you could meet somebody who's perfect for you even though you're committed to somebody else.
Nick Vaughan: No, no, see, I think if you're committed to somebody, you don't allow yourself to find perfection in someone else.

I am searching for the answer Brooke asks over here (My most favourite dialogue from the movie). Do you have any answer or what’s your perspective on this one?

The best part of the movie is Nick and Brooke calling their past self and giving advice. I don’t want to ruin the story for you but I have to mention this one:

Nick Vaughan: And at the end of the night, you're gonna want to say some things, but don't. Don't ruin it. It's nothing she doesn't already know. Just give her a kiss. Wish her good luck. And, uh... thank her. Thank her for showing you that you can love more than one person in this life.

I can’t argue over this and don’t even try to argue with me. This for me is not less than sacred.

I was fascinated with the concept of talking with your past that I decided to dial the number to myself 5 years back. What would I tell myself?

“Poonam, it’s you from the future. Your ritual of turning off the net will be broken one night and be thankful for Amazon prime video for it. Trust me it would be best because you are going to hear those words you believed you would never hear in this life. It will definitely make you insomniac for two straight nights but it would be worth it. You need those words to be heard. You will regain the faith and belief that love exists in this world and for you.” 

Tere Jaisa Yaar Kahan

Dear D (That's what I call you),

I don’t need to talk with you through this medium but I can’t get over my OCD of documenting my life. When I shall look back at this once we turn wrinkly, it will never fail to make me smile, laugh and cry. You may be thinking what made me write today for you. I came across the song, “Tere Jaisa Yaar Kahan” from the movie Yaarana today, but the cover version by Rahul Jain. How can it not make me remember you, after all it’s about dosti!

You are the only one till date I have spoken tons, so much that I did not even with my parents.  We crossed each others’ path at an age where great friendship is rare because we had already seen true colors of people in this world. Yet there was nothing or no one who could stop the birth of our friendship.  

Can you tell me why are we still friends who do not require words to elaborate our thoughts? I have no answer to it. Okay, let me put down few points-

Our compatibility. No, wait. If compatibility was the reason we would have been life partners.lol.

The fact is reverse. Our ways of thinking are not in sync but we 'listen' to them unbiased. I have never opinionated you. I have never judged, neither you have me. Our ability to be with each other in differences is what keeping this relation alive.

You crossed the topmost point on your bucket list - getting me fermented. That's an EPIC success for you!

Our stupidity burrowed the well of regret and instead of crying out to each other, we both fell into it. Will we ever get out?

I am sorry that I kept you out of my life for certain time phase. I was such a fool not confiding all to you when you were and are the one who can catch me behind the mask I wear. I lost those years without you and I am extremely ashamed of myself to keep you waited all those years even after knowing we can always be with each other. No matter what!

This is getting emotional. Let me vent though. I can't carry this burden within me. We knew the path we were walking on but it came unexpectedly, may be too early or too late or at the right time I must say.

I am walking over this path happily but I am also passing by insecurities and jealousy - the black masked emotions that has the power to ruin man. I can't get through them. It is turning out to be more difficult than I presumed. These emotions might kill us.

I have to let you go. This time I am being selfish. I have decided to give the pen to fate who shall write the story for us. I will persevere to read it. Life has already conspired against us, I can only wait to read the book fate will compose.

This is getting too emotional, ain't it? My birthright is to pester you for lifetime and not this. You gave me back my lost muse. I can never be like C but she always will be my inspiration.

I may never find myself in your words but I am happy enough to be in your smile, a real one and not the fake.

I have nothing better to end this letter than the lyrics of the song mentioned earlier.

Tere jaisa yaar kahan

Kahan aisa yaarana

Yaad karegi duniya

Tera mera afsana

Meri zindagi sawaari

Mujhko gale lagake

Baitha diya falak pe

Mujhe khaat se oothake

Yaara teri yaari ko

Maine to khuda mana

Yaad karegi duniya

Tera mera afsana

Yours forever,

you may never find a friend like me ever :P

February - The Month That Was!

February - month recognised by Valentines day. There wasn't any love in air for me in the first half of the month. 

Work

Work took a toll. Deadlines. I gave my best and completed the work before the deadline. I can't tolerate people who create nuisance with their ugly behaviour without any cause. I hate those who shove the mud over you when it's their crap they should be hiding. This did affect   my working skill a bit but I don't give a damn about such behaviour. So at the end I did the assigned project and I am proud of it.

Moving on apart from the rant.

Books

Reading took a back seat. I didn't finish the book I started 'Where did you go Bernadette'. But I haven't drawn strict lines. I took it easy and breathe calmly.

Travel

I can't be tied to one place. Hence my love for travel. The experience of packing the bags, traveling via different transportation are ones I believe everyone should undergo. Travelling out of your comfort zone makes you learn not only about the varied culture but also makes one wise. Keep learning, is all I want to in life.

We visited Coorg, Ooty and Mysore. I shall write a different post describing the journey in detail.

Panch mukhi Ganapati Temple, Bengaluru

Parampara Resort & Spa, Coorg

Colorful breakfast

Dubare Elephant Camp, Coorg

Namdroling Nyingmapa Monastery,  Bylakuppe,Mysore, Karnataka 

Pasteur Institute of India, Coonoor

Sunset view from Sinclair Hotel, Ooty

Early morning view of Ooty city

Mysuru Palace

          

Love

Talking about love at the end, the definition of love has changed for me.

The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules.
Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies.
Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.
-Craig Ferguson, Between the Bridge and the River

Love for me doesn't mean to always be together. Love for me is forever despite the distance. Love for me is living life knowing you can't have the one you want. If love gave me ache and pain, it was never love.

March: 

There might be major change coming in my life. I am slightly nervous but I will take it as ease. Ending this post at the note on:

If it is bound to happen, it will. If it does not, don't sulk in the darkness and overthink on why it did not. Cry if you want to. Don't expect or wait for anyone to hand over the tissues. Break or tear things if it makes you feel better. But remember to do all of these only for a day. Next day will be a new one. Do not carry yesterdays baggage in the new day. It will overload you, bend you, walking will be difficult. Because your life's mantra is: Never ever give up!