No Resolutions but My Word of the Year #woty 2018

Last day of January is here (is it me or this month passed way too fast than the whole of 2017) and I can still define the Word of the Year #woty. For the matter of fact, you can start anything new at any given point of life because I have begun to believe in: ‘TODAY is the first day of the rest of your life’.  I have talked about ‘Keeping Yourself First’ in the post: 2017 – The Year that was.

I am taking it forward by defining last year’s theme now as: Self-Love.

self-love
noun

1. regard for one's own well-being and happiness.

Remember that self-love is nowhere a synonym for narcissism. They can never be used one for the other. Self-love is a practice. Every day!

I had “given” a lot for others, for them to be happy and contented in past few years. While giving is not bad but I got carried away far too much where it became sacrificing myself, my happiness. I got to give a loud *smirk* here when I realised people can never be contented with what they have.

Relationships do not work on:

•         Manipulating each other’s feelings
•          Blackmailing emotions
•         Taking for granted

I was so lost and doomed in depression it was a great struggle to come out of it. What kept me alive were not people or circumstances. It was all me, within me. I am still learning to live through it every single day.

I would like to suggest 30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself. I read one thing each day. They are little things which we often forget in the big picture of life.

Small little things each day bring happiness.

I neither have a particular motivational guru nor I read self-help books. I absorb words filled with wisdom be it by anyone. I admire few people and I must say they deserve the place they are! Priyanka Chopra (you ought to listen her talk on Breaking the Glass), Oprah Winfrey, Will Smith, Steve Jobs, Karan Johar, Twinkle Khanna.

Let me define what ‘Self-Love’ means for me apart from the ‘pamper time’ or ‘Me time’:

1. I love and admire the way I look. Believe me ‘being comfortable in our own skin’ is a struggle for most of us in this era. I never had a healthy skin due to many illnesses that hit me during adolescence.

I was ridiculed for my skin color and the way I looked. It took years to come out of the self-loathing zone.

I am 30 now and let me tell you I have never been so confident.

• Yes my face does have acne, which does not deter my spirit, whatsoever.
•  I have grey hairs. A LOT OF THEM and the salon people pester me to color them but I am not ashamed stepping out with the greys.
• I have dark circles because I am in front of PC for almost 8 hours daily and I read before sleep. I cannot stop working. I cannot give up reading or writing because they are my passion and how can one live without them!

2. I choose the clothes which I like. I choose the food I love to eat. I do not go to places where I do not want to. Learning to say no for me is self-love.

3  3.  I have given up self-pity when people question about “when are you planning to have kids? Or what is the problem? Or what’s wrong?”

I have stopped all the shit and crap affecting me.  I love my body. It is the temple I live in. If my body is not able to carry a baby within doesn’t mean I should curse it or allow someone else to ‘talk’ about it. (I will dedicate a different post on infertility in near future)

I would like to tell everyone out here its true infertility sucks the happiness out but it is not the end of the world!

4  4. I cannot please each and everyone or make someone love me. If you cannot accept me the way I am then I won’t waste my time in pleading you to like me. I would definitely do not act which might hurt but changing myself altogether, NAH! I have given up that attitude.

I have come to the conclusion:

No Matter What!
People will judge you. Manipulate you. Dump you. Drain you. Break you.
 What only matters:
Rise. Learn from past.

5  5. Live in the moment. Work hard today. Let go of the dark past. Make time for hobbies. Learn something new. Bad time will always be around the corner, you cannot escape it. Be blunt at times. Be fierce and let the adventure begin.

Images source: Unsplash

I Want To Write A Perfect Poetry For You

I want to write a perfect poetry or prose for you. Yes it should be perfect. You say there is nothing or no one perfect in this world. But I am not talking about how the world defines the word perfect. For me you are perfect with all your flaws and imperfections.

So again, I want to write a perfect poetry or prose for you which I will compose in a song. I don't have knowledge about music but I have an ear to recognise a perfect song. I will strike the tunes which shall synchronise with our hearts resonance. When the song plays I don't want millions of heart to beat along with it but only yours. Because you will understand it is meant only for you and no other soul. I want the voice of Ed Sheeran for it. Big dream, I know, but not impossible, is it?

I will write the song not only about love, but it will be about the dumb discussion we have. It will be about how I tease you. It will be about how you laugh on my way of making an omelette till your stomach hurt and eyes water. It will be about how our stupid and crazy friendship turned into the craziest love which we never understood. It will be about how much it hurts to be away from you but with you.

It will sound a sad song for others but only our ears can listen the vibration of love. It will be about how we cannot commit to each other yet the love isn't obsolete. It will be about the fire of jealousy when you can talk and be with anyone other than me. It will be about our conversations we have over a drink, which we can never talk on when sober.

I will sprinkle our smiles, laughter, tears, pain on an octave. I will carve the distance between us on the high notes. I will scrap the evil, the sin, the lust on the low notes. I will engrave our names on every note of the song which will last for an eternity. Because I want the song to be perfect for you, for me, for us be together which we cannot in this life, but we will be in this song forever.

I Often Wander

Image source: Pixabay

I am an art

Image Source: Pixabay

I am an art

you will never understand

© Beyond Horizon

Best Way To Fall And Stay In Love With Reading – Reading Challenge 2018

I have stacks of books on the table in my living room and I am proud to display them even if some might think it looks mess. Well, do not mess with me when it comes to books, because they are my first lovers. I have mentioned my love for them in few posts. They take me into the world of wonder, happiness, sorrow, dark, magical, shock, surprising. There are few books which I have left in midst of reading and the curious cat inside me wants to finish them sooner or later.

Whenever I come across the quote: “So many books, So little time” it haunts me thinking about TBR list.

Image Source: Google

I had never kept a log about the books I read (which I should have). So from last year I have made a habit to update my GoodreadsReading Challenge.

I haven’t made any resolutions but one of my many goals this year is to read and write more. The enthusiastic me have taken up 3 reading challenges for 2018.

1. Goodreads Reading Challenge: 50 books
2. HT Brunch Book Reading Challenge: The challenge is to complete at least 50 books by December 31.
3. Pop Sugar Reading Challenge: 40 book prompts.

I know 50 is a BIG number but hey! “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” 

It is going to be exciting because there are certain rules for Brunch Book and Pop Sugar book prompts are amazing. This will allow me to widen the horizon of selecting the books.

As I end this post I have completed #1 of 50. EverythingI Never Told You by Celeste Ng.

I was slow in reading it but nevertheless I am excited to pick up #2 TheSun and Her Flowers by Rupi Kaur.

I shall keep updating the progress here. Till then, Happy Reading Year to You!

Walking away from Love

The more I walk away from you,

The more I lose myself for you.

I Shed My Tears

I shed my tears in form of words 

spiralling on a page 

as a snake sheds it skin 

dumping my rage

and the person I had been

                                         ©Beyond Horizon

Monster Within

Burning in fire of jealousy

A green-eyed monster

Jostled me from reverie

Escalades each day stronger

Devouring my bravery

Crippled, Conjured

I was foolish to believe

‘I would be okay’

Letting you go with her

© Beyond Horizon 

Image source : Pixabay

Don't Love Me - The Final Chapter

This was the day. She decided to take the control of her life in her hand. She was done with love. Actually she understood 'what love is' after this phase of life. It wasn't love. She wrote two letters: To Him and To 'You'.

To Him,

I loved you and you loved me. Well, actually I thought it was love. No, it never was love. What we have is 'attachment' and an attachment always end up in hurt. It was an illusion but all this time we were selfish to take 'something' from each other. I am not blaming you. I am the culprit in this too.

I gave you the switch of my happiness. You clicked it as you desired. I had no control over it. I am taking it back. In fact there wasn't any switch cause happiness always was and is within me. It was me who all this while believed my happiness depended on you. You laughed, I laughed. You cried, I cried. But I got carried away with this attachment. I cried, You watched from a distant. You blamed me for all the worldly unhappiness happening to you. 

Thank you for everything. This is a genuine Thank you. Why? Because I 'learned' from it. It made me the person who I am today. All of the dark, gloomy days I lived in was self-created. It was never you. It was always me. I was attached to you.

Love gives you wings. Even if there is a cage, love leaves the door open. Love wants to see your happiness. Resistance is not love. Blaming each other is not love. Holding each other in crisis is Love. Love may not cry with you, but it stays with you till the last drop of tear. 

Love is not 'attachment'. We are attached and this is what has made us prisoner of each others life. I am standing besides you due to obligations. If time comes, I will break those obligations without any fear.

Don't Love Me, Because It was never Love!

2017 – The Year that was

Looking back and turning pages of 2017 I can name the theme for the year as ‘Keep Yourself First’. Many will find it selfish but trust me guys if I hadn’t done that I would have perished in my own darkness.

I am not an actual definition of ‘introvert’ but I love being alone (not lonely), if anyone wants to gift me with something give me the time for myself – Solitude. I had many opportunities in 2017 and I grabbed every single of them.

Work has and is keeping me sane with the turmoil in other aspect of life. Truth be told I have stayed away from ‘clinical’ part of my work. My best colleague and friend still keep persisting me to ‘practice’ because of my clinical knowledge (not bragging at all). I have been trained under one of the best Psychotherapist & Counsellor (Dr.Minnu R. Bhonsle) in Mumbai and her words are enlightening– “Counselling is as effective as the counsellor is himself living effectively”. The day I live effectively I can help others to live theirs.

I had plans for blogging platform but I never forced myself to do them. I took it easy. I tried to catch up or rather staying ‘online’ on other social platforms but couldn’t do it. I won’t say I failed but I realized that I am not the person who wants to make her presence felt on social media every single day. Posting images of myself or my surroundings doesn’t come easy for me.

It was first time I mentioned about infertility in the post Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish and its effect on mental health. I took a step back from medications and all the stressful investigations related to infertility in 2017, which I must say helped me. Because I needed time to take crucial decision regarding the same which isn’t easy being a female.

Music and reading are the best companions in my highs and lows. I had set 15 books to read on Goodreads Reading Challenge which I did complete. 15 is low but considering I had not read even 5 books in a year in recent past is quite appreciable. 

My dream destination came true in May 2017. Kashmir! I have no words to describe the beauty of Kashmir, believe me. The warmth of Kashmiris will make you wonder and question, is this the most terror stricken place? They welcome you wholeheartedly and tourism being their main source of income people should visit it. We did experience the time of terrorism wherein we had been evacuated in midst of the night from the hotel (twice in a week). But the locals ensured we were safe.

I would like to quote here by Soumya of Life of Leo: “Every woman needs someone by her side who makes her feel strong, beautiful and cherished. This can be the partner, a friend or just the mirror.” For me it has been a friend, forever.

The last quarter of the year made me amazed. There were rush of emotions. Awe. Happy. Ecstasy. Regret. Guilt. Sadness. I drowned in and learned to swim within them. I choose my happiness even though there was selfishness in it. But for once I embraced it without any guilt.

31^st December 2017 was memorable and there is only one person who knows the why. To sum it up- 2017 was dedicated for ‘Me Time, Ponder over emotions and decisions to make’. Ending this post but beginning 2018 with the quote by Audrey Hepburn: “The most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy - it's all that matters.”

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